People Always Leave.

Often you find yourself holding on to people and things, who don't really wish to stay, and eventually you just loosen the grip and let go. And that day, you tell yourself to not let this thing happen to you ever again.
No matter how hard you try someday it all comes back to you. No matter how protected you keep yourself, living life in a bubble, trying to not let your mind wander to the things that happened, the numerous memories that are not coming back , just one day it hits you. IT HITS YOU SO HARD that you cannot avoid it. So I thought of just acknowledging and embracing this feeling today.

Have you ever been emotionally hurt? Hurt so bad you actually felt deep physical pain? I truly think everyone has; I know I certainly have. I have actually been saying in my head "PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE” for years. And every time it happens I pretend I am much less affected by it than I really am. I am not talking about just romantic relationships or ‘break-ups.’ I am also not saying it with the intent of sounding melancholy, I have just really believed it. Because every time I think they don't, someone proves me wrong. I wonder why people come into your life, if they have to walk out of it after all. They make you feel, they make you fall, they give you memories just so that every bit of it could be crumpled and thrown away in rusted dustbins laying unattended outside the apartments built over the decades. And the thing which it leaves me wondering is, "Do I push them away?"

Everytime, you have to accept it, pick yourself up and move the fuck ahead. You get connected, you give life a chance, you give yourself to something as beautiful as love, intimacy, you give them your everything. And then there, after leaving all the fears away, you give in, you let the wall down, and it ends like it always has. You see yourself standing in a crowd feeling lost. This is the reason why I haven't ever let myself depend on anyone. I am no heartless person, but if its easier to be that way, I would be. Stay as far as possible from anyone who I can tend to be inclined to and be safe? I wonder, if it really helps, but somewhere the heart fears what has always happened.

If only goodbyes meant for today and the faking smiles were real, If people meant what they said, and did what they promised, hearts will not be broken, the eyes would be dry and there would be no scars.I don't blame anyone but myself, because as it is said, and I believe it is absolutely true, "no one really has the power to hurt you without your consent." What it all comes down to is, what if you create a wall and do not let people who are real and true in. What if you lose on someone whose gonna love you till the end? What if you lose on a friend whose going to take care of that little fragile heart of yours and make you realise that good things happen. What if you lose on knowing someone whose been through things like you did and has been strong!

There are people who have stayed in my life constantly, when people came and left, and I know I would have missed on them, had I closed myself to them too. But then sometimes you let the wall down and let people take command of your heart and guide you. I guess I did that and found them. But somewhere deep those scars don't heal, the memories still haunt, those times that were crazy with the few people I would give away my life for come to my mind, and make me revert to closing myself. It's scary, that feeling of being left by people who meant your life to you, with absolutely no one around leaves you so broken that it takes a lot of time to gather it all and pick yourself up, and its not that easy.

I do not know if it's right to be scared and stay away and be safe, or to just go ahead and take the risk, take the leap of faith and let the heart take chances. Let the heart feel, and smile. It's happy and terrified both at once. What if I lose once again? What if it all happens once again?

It is a harsh reality that,no matter what you do, people always leave, but sometimes they do come back and stay. And if you're lucky, the best ones STAY and make it WORTH. They make it all alright and you can smile. This decision of opening up your heart or not is a tough one . But you gotta take it. You have to decide, if its worth, you should do give it a TRY! 

As far as what I wish for is, Someone to not give up even when everyone does, Someone to hold on to, Someone to look up to, Someone who would stay. JUST STAY. :)

Love.
xx

WHY ARE YOU STILL SINGLE?

I was eighteen when I left home. I guess I grew up fast and developed a sense of independence that was mental, I was pretty sure of how are things to be done, and how one needs to handle things that happen in life. Be it the smallest of arguments or a huge fight, it was always, one against the world. Yes, my mom and dad were worried , never showing it, but they would always say, "We know, you can take care of yourself." 

I have always been the single one of my friends, through high school and now in college. Not that I never wished to be with someone, never really worked out, never really found someone to be precise. Honestly, I have always been more that okay with it. I am writing about this right now, because the question "Why are you single?" has been around the corner and answering this question is always tough, because then follows a long questionnaire and advices and a lot more which I am highly uninterested in. Lately I have just thought of saying, "No one I am interested in , is interested in me, so I am pretty sure, I am going to be forever alone and I will die that way" I doubt anyone would ask me a list of questions after such a self-disparaging answer. Though its not totally true, it will do what I am hoping for and the subject will be changed.! Yayy! I shut them up and its victory!

The only times I feel awkward when I’m single is when I find myself faced with one of those extremely PDA-intent-on-making-you-feel-like-crap couples and when I am at a party and there you have slow songs and all that dancing, and all I can think of is, nothing actually. Most of the time, I’m not really thinking about it. I live by myself and I have few close friendships and that is more than enough. All this being all on my own thing, has allowed me to further my emotional independence, and as the days are passing, I appreciate it more and more.

When we generally aim to become financially independent in our twenties, we forget that we also need emotional independence as well. For good or bad, but being all by myself has given me some great life lessons. I know being in a relationship is great, its a beautiful feeling to be in love and be loved back, I would always envy that girl I see whose been looked at with so much love and care, or the one whose getting married, or the one who can always feel better just because there's a certain someone who would hug her and things will feel alright, because at times it makes me feel plain simple lonely.

I value relationships, I really do. I sure as hell  want one, but when it’s right and till now it never felt that way. I am yet to feel that way, and at times I would step back from feeling that way, because no matter how strong a person is , Rejection my friend is not that easy to take. I just want it to be right, not perfect, not fairytale like.Hook-up culture is so unbridled , it’s how people want to begin their relationships these days, in fact it’s how people do begin their relationships these days. And I’m not interested in it at all. What others do is none of my business, this is what I feel.

As far as "good relationships" go, I do think they take time, and for me, it’ll probably always be a more old-fashion process. I don't have my the opposite sex texting and calling me all the time but I have found that people will treat you how they can get away with treating you. So most guys who are interested do treat me well because I demand it. And I demand it, because I have emotional independence. My self-worth is not attached to an emotional dependence on another imperfect human being. I don’t depend on anyone to “make me feel good” about myself. I need people as much as we all do. But I never want to be completely emotionally reliant on someone. Because in the end, everyone will  disappoint you at some point. And you will disappoint others too. It's not in your hand, people will hurt you and you will have to deal with it, so why let someone be in control of your emotions, why let yourself be emotionally dependent on someone.

Single people love to whine about being single, I’d probably do the same. Again, not that I don't want a relationship, of course I do, but starting it just because I am single and people don't want me to be single is not what I can do. If it's real , why not. I would love to be in something as beautiful as love and experience it but not at the cost of anyone, and not just out of boredom or desperation etc. It all comes down to one thing that can trigger it, feelings and emotions. 

As far as my life goes, currently I have good people around me, a career to make, family who loves me, and some great days which will be cherished memories in the coming time! I am happy, may be not everyday, but well I am happy right now. I have my set of emotional days when I feel alone and cry , but who doesn't ?

After all, life is a bitter sweet symphony.. :)

Smile. That'll be enough. :)

“Oh no. Don't smile. You'll kill me. I stop breathing when you smile."


I couldnt think of anything else but this quote to begin this short little thing I wrote a few days back.


That smile, the one that is so happy. 

That smile, the one that is so vibrant. 

That smile, the one that is so wide. 

That smile, the one which automatically makes me smile.

Pearly white, oh so bright! 

If it was in my hands, I would never want that smile out of my sight.

Endless conversations go in my head about this flawless smile,

The endless thoughts about something so bright! 

Will I get to see that smile? 

Will I ever be the reason for that smile? 

And many more.

My head says, This smile is trouble, This smile is attractive, This smile will make you drool and fall,

but My heart says, This smile is charming, This smile is genuine, This smile is worth a try!

So, Smile you "Smiling Person" , Because no matter what, I love to see that SMILE.


:)

The FIRST YEAR, Law School: Part 1.

I have been writing and erasing this post since years now, I never really thought what all I need to put in this and what I should'nt, because three years back when I entered college I did not have any idea how many times the people around me will change, but then isn't change the only constant? So yes, three years and yes it's been quite a ride. So I decided to finally pen it down, everything, not giving it second thoughts, I am here typing whatever hits my head and heart.

Year One..
When I was sure of the admission, the heart had a mixed feeling. The feeling of not seeing a few faces I have been seeing everyday, and the feeling of being free, and this feeling of finally landing in a place I dropped an year for, not the exact place but well Law School finally. Independence is something I cannot live without, the charm in being free, in doing what your heart says is so amazing! Life is short, time is a precious commodity, and this heart has a zillion wishes, desires and dreams, and so I was out there to complete and chase a few I had, and I left home with a lot of emotions buried right where they are supposed to be. No CRYING, because that's kept for the alone time.! :)

Raipur. HNLU. Law School. The home away from home for the next five years.
Away from Home, like a free bird, happy, bubbly, excited I was pretty sure it wouldnt be troublesome to settle in this college, which was absolutely not the case! :P The first thing and the only thing that caused huge trouble were insects, little tiny reptiles and they continue to be a trouble.

The People. Semester One.
Luck isn't my thing, but this time it definitely was. Admission times I had exchanged numbers with this girl from Dilli, and I was pretty sure she would be someone who wont even bother talking to me, "no reasons, but I had this feeling". What happened was the complete opposite.! About this, I'll write in the next part.
I reach college, my mother was there to help me with things, setting up the room etc and she was to go back by the evening train, as we were done shopping and then setting the room, it was time for her to leave, and there it was again, that emotional moment which I was trying to avoid, but could'nt. Like always, I was smiling with a super heavy heart, how much I am going to miss the food, being carefree, fighting over the tv remote and so on.

She left and there I was, alone on my own , Like I have always wanted to be. Answerable to no one. All alone.

It's never enough. NEVER.

Efforts. Efforts they say always count, in every field, be it relationships, friendships, academics and LIFE in general. But at this one point of time, it strikes you it's never enough. You may end up changing yourself for someone, but sometimes all they can see is all the flaws in you. 
We are human beings, and we are flawed, but when we are aware of them and we try and work on it,  and then one thing which makes you stop doing it , when the people closest to you won't appreciate the effort. Fine, don't appreciate but stop saying that there's no effort. 

They say, things change, things work when you want them to, but I think, no matter what you do, when something is not pleasant to the eye, that person would probably not say it, but it's there , there right in the heart, which you cannot see, but it comes only when there's an emotional outburst. So how long can one explain things? How long can one hope that things would be forgotten, things would not be mentioned because they are so futile.? How long?

Truth is of various kinds, one is the truth that'll be exactly what it is, it's harsh but it's real and it surely is something that is  not good to hear , the second is polished truth, so it's more like stating the facts but well you coat it with other things so that it's not unpleasant and not at all harsh. The third is manipulated truth, which I don't really consider in the category of truth. 
When people lie, knowing that the truth hurts, the one aspect they miss is that when the truth will come out, the hurt would be graver, it would be deeper and it'll take a longer time to heal, to be forgotten.

There comes a time when you want to give up on everything; friendships, relationships, hardships, on LIFE.
At that time, if you're lucky, someone would be there, to make you come back to life and deal with it, but at times the person you need to pick yourself up, is the only person who you are tired of explaining things, and when that happens, you realise, it's NEVER enough, it NEVER was, NEVER will be. 

Here it is then. I QUIT.