My Heart Is In My Vagina.

It has always amazed me how some people manage separating their heart and brains, and honestly I would do anything to do that, ANYTHING. Why? Because that is one thing I fail to do, no matter what.

Sleeping with a friend is no longer a taboo, but a lifestyle choice, generally called, "Friends with Benefits". So, you enjoy the company, fool around, chill, have sex, and don't get involved emotionally. Whereas I see nothing wrong in it, I fail to even dare to think about entering something like that. I mean, is it really possible to keep your heart away while you are going to the highest level of intimacy? Can you be so comfortable around someone so that you give your body to them, without having any feelings ? Can you just kiss and not feel anything? 

I remember trying to not have any emotions , I failed, miserably, and hence I say my heart is in my vagina. Putting it in a simpler way, I cannot be physically involved with anyone who I don't have some mental, some emotional connection with. Intimacy, isn't it something that involves both the heart and body? How can something that is so intimate, sleeping with someone be so easy that you keep your emotions at bay? 

I don't think I can be comfortable naked in front of some stranger I just met at a club. I don't think I can kiss someone I don't have feelings for (may be love, maybe something else). I don't think I can just have sex and not care. The maximum I can do is pretend , but sooner or later it ends, and you realise how bad horrible the situation is. You end up in a state which prima facie is irreparable.

Friends with Benefits, might sound fun, of course, you are sleeping with someone without baggage, no commitment, no exclusivity , nothing. But the other side of it, you can end up shattered. What if when you are sleeping with a good friend, and you end up having feelings and then, BAMM. Do you think, you'd be able to lose the friend? I DON'T.  The last thing I want is losing people close, in fact, my biggest fear has been losing people. I know life is not a fairytale and hence risking friendship and having hope that may be this arrangement turns into something romantic is well, stupid.

Though at times you might just try to get the feelings away, but deep down you start seeing him in a different light. The damage is done, it has begun. You admit that you might like him, but you push that thought away. Sounds EASY, but it ISN'T. 

More than anything, FWB requires a control over your feelings right? I am not ashamed to accept that I cannot. It's not that I refuse to do it, I know it deep down, I cannot let someone be so close without feeling something for the person. I'd probably retreat and runaway, if there's no mental or emotional connect. Sometimes you are so comfortable with someone , that even though you know it won't last like you'd want it to, you just go ahead with it. You risk, you risk your heart and go ahead because you like it, and there's nothing wrong in it. What is wrong is , the damage it'll cause you.

Sometimes I wish, it hasn't been this way. Life would be easier. The heart won't be risked, it won't be dented, it would be intact, even when you are just sexually involved with someone. In current times I love how women are being so open about their bodies sexually, and admitting that they need such kind of intimacy. Unfortunately it leaves a lot of women vulnerable, can you separate sex from love?

Women should be able to be as free as they like with their bodies, as long as women like me understand that sometimes they will grow attached, and have to be prepared for the possibility that the men they want to be with won’t want to be with them. I don't know what one is supposed to do in such a situation, if you think you can be brave enough to get bruised and broken and get up, DO IT. If you think, you cannot, just DONT get into it. No matter how much you love the other person to be able to give him your all, without any returns, just LOVE yourself MORE always, and have the courage to WALK away, because you aren't Mila Kunis, you JUST AREN'T.

Love,

xx

People Always Leave.

Often you find yourself holding on to people and things, who don't really wish to stay, and eventually you just loosen the grip and let go. And that day, you tell yourself to not let this thing happen to you ever again.
No matter how hard you try someday it all comes back to you. No matter how protected you keep yourself, living life in a bubble, trying to not let your mind wander to the things that happened, the numerous memories that are not coming back , just one day it hits you. IT HITS YOU SO HARD that you cannot avoid it. So I thought of just acknowledging and embracing this feeling today.

Have you ever been emotionally hurt? Hurt so bad you actually felt deep physical pain? I truly think everyone has; I know I certainly have. I have actually been saying in my head "PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE” for years. And every time it happens I pretend I am much less affected by it than I really am. I am not talking about just romantic relationships or ‘break-ups.’ I am also not saying it with the intent of sounding melancholy, I have just really believed it. Because every time I think they don't, someone proves me wrong. I wonder why people come into your life, if they have to walk out of it after all. They make you feel, they make you fall, they give you memories just so that every bit of it could be crumpled and thrown away in rusted dustbins laying unattended outside the apartments built over the decades. And the thing which it leaves me wondering is, "Do I push them away?"

Everytime, you have to accept it, pick yourself up and move the fuck ahead. You get connected, you give life a chance, you give yourself to something as beautiful as love, intimacy, you give them your everything. And then there, after leaving all the fears away, you give in, you let the wall down, and it ends like it always has. You see yourself standing in a crowd feeling lost. This is the reason why I haven't ever let myself depend on anyone. I am no heartless person, but if its easier to be that way, I would be. Stay as far as possible from anyone who I can tend to be inclined to and be safe? I wonder, if it really helps, but somewhere the heart fears what has always happened.

If only goodbyes meant for today and the faking smiles were real, If people meant what they said, and did what they promised, hearts will not be broken, the eyes would be dry and there would be no scars.I don't blame anyone but myself, because as it is said, and I believe it is absolutely true, "no one really has the power to hurt you without your consent." What it all comes down to is, what if you create a wall and do not let people who are real and true in. What if you miss out on finding someone who's gonna love you till the end? What if you miss out on a friend who's going to take care of that little fragile heart of yours and make you realise that good things happen. What if you lose on knowing someone who has been through things like you did and has been strong!

There are people who have stayed in my life constantly, when people came and left, and I know I would have missed on them, had I closed myself to them too. But then sometimes you let the wall down and let people take command of your heart and guide you. I guess I did that and found them. But somewhere deep those scars don't heal, the memories still haunt, those times that were crazy with the few people I would give away my life for come to my mind, and make me revert to closing myself. It's scary, that feeling of being left by people who meant your life to you, with absolutely no one around leaves you so broken that it takes a lot of time to gather it all and pick yourself up, and its not that easy.

I do not know if it's right to be scared and stay away and be safe, or to just go ahead and take the risk, take the leap of faith and let the heart take chances. Let the heart feel, and smile. It's happy and terrified both at once. What if I lose once again? What if it all happens once again?

It is a harsh reality that,no matter what you do, people always leave, but sometimes they do come back and stay. And if you're lucky, the best ones STAY and make it WORTH. They make it all alright and you can smile. This decision of opening up your heart or not is a tough one . But you gotta take it. You have to decide, if its worth, you should do give it a TRY! 

As far as what I wish for is, Someone to not give up even when everyone does, Someone to hold on to, Someone to look up to, Someone who would stay. JUST STAY. :)

Love.
xx

“I love it when someone holds me and sleeps.”

“I love it when someone holds me and sleeps.”

One sentence by a friend, led me to write this post!

They say, there’s nothing a hug cant fix, that’s the power of a touch!

Believe me or not, one day or the other you’ll realize this!

Who doesn’t dreams of being held in someone’s arms, where you feel safe, secure, loved, protected and warm!

The warmth which makes you feel at peace! The warmth which brings you immense happiness, unadulterated happiness!

Sleeping alone is not that BIG an issue! People start living away from home after they are 18, at times even when they are younger! But at some point of time, you really wish you could have someone by your side who would hold you close, just like your mom and dad did when you were a kid, the touch which is full of affection, innocence, and pure love!

That’s the one I am talking about!  

Even knowing that there’s someone lying beside you gives you a feeling of being loved, cared for,

And when you wake up in the middle of the night, and shift under the quilt , you feel the heat of the person next to you. You see them in their most beautiful, innocent, vulnerable state.

You smile, Kiss them in the most gentle manner, so as not to wake them, and there’s a wide grin on your face, Happiness in your heart, feeling of love, feeling of being wanted !

You turn around, and you find an arm around your waist and you know it cannot get better than this! :)

And this certainly is the best feeling when you are not afraid, that you’ll lose the person whose next to you!

What hugs and cuddles can do, nothing else can match up to that feeling!

Not expensive gifts, Not a candle light dinner in the most expensive restaurant!

SOMETHINGS IN LIFE ARE TO BE EXPERIENCED NOT TO BE EXPLAINED,

This is one such thing.!

These thoughts hit the mind rarely, but when they do,

 I remember how full of solitude life has  been, and I fail to remember the last time I hugged someone, really hugged someone. :)

Love,

Divv!

xoxo