Fix Me.

I have never felt so lost. Everything happening all at once. No. This isn't fair.
This isn't how things are supposed to be. This is definitely not how I wanted things to be.
NO. I am not ready to go through more tests to prove my strength.

"This has to end sometime soon, something has to be done to fix it up."

"Lights, please guide me home"

Thought.

When you let people get close to you, there's a power you give them, the power to hurt you and break you. The confidence that they won't do it is what makes you give it. But this confidence is something which leads you to shatter yourself. 

No More Close.

Sometimes people push you away . At times by their words, at times by their actions, at times you just feel it. You feel terrible because their acts have been constantly hurting you. Every time you just forget it and carry on with things, but whenever there's something new that hurts you, you remember all the past things they have done. No its not intentional, probably its because of their present state of mind, or the present situation. But I wonder, don't they realise how selfish they are being?
I understand everyone has to choose between being selfish and selfless. But is choosing selfish or self love over being selfless all the time justified? 
I seldom think about this, but whenever I do, the grief this causes is something words fail to express. When someone whose just the one who you share things with, makes you feel like you don't exist, makes you feel left out, shares their sadness with this random friend they have, you feel terrible! 
People might think I over-react , but had this been something that happened once, I would never have, but its been happening, and it continues to happen. This happy It-doesn't-affect-me Smile is too much to keep. I want to runaway. I want to close myself and never get close to her or him or anyone else . Because when someone who was once the closest is no more close, it kills you. It shakes , breaks you, and you lose, you lose yourself in a way , you can never get back to being the same person. 

Or may be its normal not to share sometimes, may be its normal to hurt someone, because someone whose close to you is hurting you. Justified or not. All I want is this thing to go away. This feeling of remorse. This feeling of extreme sadness. This feeling that won't let me be in peace.

So  before it becomes too much to handle, I should retreat, and like I always said and believed, I'll stay till the time you need me, that's when my part as a friend begins. When you don't need me anymore, I shall bid you goodbye . 
Farewell friend.

Uncalled Changes.

" All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another." - Anatole France


There are times when life throws everything at you together! All at once, and you are lost. Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, you fight to let go. Changes in people, situations, places, things around, and it goes on and on. What makes it difficult? the consequences of a particular change, its effect ,its aftermath. You fail to comprehend, to decipher the reasons why all of a sudden this great change happened, and why are things going haywire.Why would all changes happen at once?

Is this how things are supposed to be?

One friend you always counted on is no more around, a person you loved looking at when you felt lost has left and a place where you have lived your life, growing up, running around, chasing buses, laughing sitting at this one bench till 11 with a childhood friend is left behind. How does one deal with all of this? How do you keep letting go off people who were more than just a part of your life? The people without whom your life is nothing but a blank canvas! How do you just be okay with the fact that the ones who painted the canvas with all the beautiful colours, those beautiful memories are the ones you have to let go? They drift , drift away from you into this huge chaotic world, and you can do nothing but watch them, watch them leave, because if that makes them happy , then all you can do is smile. Smile every time you see something and remember them, every time you see two people acting the way you did and just live with those little little happy times which are engraved in your heart.

Who is to be blamed? People, situation or the distance? But wasn't the distance supposed to make the heart grow fonder?

Then sometimes, the person whose been the sole reason why you are loving your life at a particular place and time is no more like they used to. Yes, with age people change, but what's with the effect they have on other? Can't they for once think how deep a few things can hurt?The lack of comfort, communication gap, this void which is created, where did those days go? The days when that person was the first one to understand how horribly something is wrong with you, that your mind is wandering and you need someone to just hold on to, that your silence speaks of how hurt you are; that one person no more understands. WHY?

There's no one answer to this. Sometimes people need to just be with themselves. They need to take time off each other, even the closest of friends. The only fear that haunts is, what is this "time off each other" leads to the same thing that happened in t he past? What if this creates a distance, a space which never lets things get back to square one? No matter how much you try, a mirror once broken can never be the same again.

Lost as ever , Lost in the echoes, Lost in this huge space, all I can think of is meeting someone who'll make me feel at home, at peace. All I can think of is running and hugging a person who would understand the turbulence happening in my heart with just one hug. No words, No nothing..

Disappointments have been constant. But sometimes when you are disappointed by your close people it takes a toll on you. You are shaken, shaken to the core. You are sometimes hurt beyond repair. Broken promises, disappointments and people drifting apart, have an irreparable effect on me.So eventually you leave to live with the changes, the changes you always feared, the changes you never thought would happen, the changes that make you realise what the reality is! The changes that weren't suppose to happen, the changes that were uncalled for!
The challenge of dealing with changes is thrown at you, and it doesn't wait. Life does not look back. Changes will keep happening, it is the only constant! You can do nothing but adapt to the. Everyone you once thought you cannot live without, you learn to, you learn to, you learn to deal with changing times, situations, people , places. It's harder every time, but what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

Divya
xx